enormous iNCoNgrUiTieS|A Beacon of Intermittence

With the recent lightning storms and accompanying power outage the other day I was trying to explain to my kids how to master the fear of the unknown . I’ve tried to teach them over the years that you can’t live your life being scared all the time. Like running away from a mere category 1 hurricane or cringing in fear during a severe thunderstorm, for examples.

For lack of a better word I used the air-hooked “Mother Nature” in my explanation, literally, being sure they were aware of the hooks to avoid any hippie-like connotations. That’s the last thing I need is some hippie teen-agers going on and on about love and mother nature.

So I explain to them in a manner that only a drunken fat man sitting on kayak can do that in any natural event such as a hurricane, tornado, flood, earthquake, tsunami, etc you take the best precautions available given your immediate situation and then relax until the aftermath. I slept right through the the very worst of Hurricane Alicia. It was kinda scary.

Certainly it is imperative that you are informed and prepared for any natural disasters that are likely to strike in your area–you don’t want to make it too easy for her– but when the time is upon you and Mother Nature comes for your ass, it’s your ass. Mother Nature don’t play.

The moral: Don’t be stupid, but don’t be afraid either. Believe me, it’s easier said than done.

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THE ONION: New Starbucks Opens In Rest Room Of Existing Starbucks

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“Worst Analogies Ever Written in a High School Essay Contest”. A sample of the winners :

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like..whatever.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 pm, traveling at 55 mph; the other from Topeka at 3:18 pm at a speed of 35 mph.

And one more, cuz I’m kinda nerd :

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung… but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung… by mistake

There’s a bunch of em at the link.

I can’t help it. I gotta make one up. “He had some dun colored googly eyes set in a round red face that looked like two turds bobbing in a punch bowl.”

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Chinese build “world’s largest sea bridge,” second in length only to Louisaisna’s Ponchatrain causeway.

The bridge was opened to traffic on a trial basis at 11.58 pm (1658 GMT), Xinhua said. However, officials did not know how long the trial would last, it added. (Link)

How do you open a 22 mile bridge on a trial basis? Is it like a beta test to see if there will be a massive failure?

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From LiveLink, via NewsFlavor, via Rodge, Terrorist media message:

There are six similar clips at the NewsFlavor link, two funny, four real.

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My father-in-law told a story this weekend about an old country German who went to church and took the Holy Communion once a year, whether he needed it or not, I’d guess. Well, some ol’ holier-than-thous kept telling him that once a year isn’t enough. Enough of what I don’t know but maybe they felt he wasn’t going to make the final cut on once a year.

Anyway after they tried to make him do what they wanted one too many times the old man quit going to church altogether, which the church snobs probably didn’t mind since he was a bad influence on others; it absolutely would not do to have any more of the congregants thinking they could skate by on only one trip to church per year.

I wonder how the old church snobs would feel if they found out that Communion once a year was wholy sufficient, but just barely and that by driving the old German away from his annual pilgrimage to Church with their evil manipulations they cost him his eternal salvation?

Probably it doesn’t work that way and the old German was right when he figured he didn’t really even need to go once a year.

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We did the Dune version of Democrat politics the other day, with a little Star Wars thrown in shortly thereafter and now it is time for the Seinfeldian take on the Democrat Presidential Primary:

Hillary: So, we go into the DNC, we tell them we’ve got an idea for a campaign about nothing.

Obama: Exactly.

Hillary: They say, “What’s your campaign about?” I say, “Nothing.”

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Subway Jared’s ridiculously hot girlfriend… pics and some funny comments. Heh, and more similar comments here. The pics aren’t that great but if they keep dating I would expect the quality to go up. She looks like she could get Jared into some serious trouble.

I wonder what are the odds Jared would date a fat chick. But what if she had a great personality?

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I mentioned a while back that I have this ear infection that has been lingering around in a manner that can only be described as stubborn. I finally broke down and went to a specialist to get to the bottom of the matter only to find out that the ear infection wasn’t so stubborn as it was just an ordinary ole ear infection that had been misdiagnosed and thus mistreated. Not once, but twice. Two different places, one a clinic and the second a regular doctor, an internist.

The third doctor, an otolaryngologist, took no more time than either of the other two medical care givers but knew right off what the matter was. A few minutes later he had pulled out a small vacuum device and with a slrrrp the bulk of the matter was resolved and deposited on a small square piece of gauze. The doc bade me get up and indicated for me to look at the long tubular mass he had just evacuated from my ear.

As a result of many ill-advised Q-tipped assaults into my ear canal in futile attempts at gaining some self-administered relief (a practice with which I am not wholly ignorant) I had obviously packed the little critters in there there like so much wadding in an old muzzle loader.

Glancing nonchalantly from where I was standing, I’m like, “Yeah, I’ve seen that before, doc.” Albeit maybe not so much all at one time.

Doc conveniently had a magnifying glass, probably of a magnification about 10 times normal and was built onto one of those arms that can be easily maneuvered and positioned over the subject matter. “No have a look through here,” he said moving out of the way to give me clear access.

So what the heck, might as well have a look at just how nasty my infliction was. Folks, let me tell ya, the gunk out of your ear, especially if it is alive, is a lot worse under a magnifying glass than it is on a tissue.

“Ah, man that’s gross,” I said pulling away from the glass. If I had any sense of propriety I should not even try to describe what the infestation looked like out of embarrassment for having something like that living inside my head for three months or so. It looked like three different kinds of amphibious egg sacks with black sturgeon caviar nestled in the core. Gives me the heebie jeebies just thinking about it now.

Before I could recoil fully, due to a force that is akin to or the same as the one that make us unable to turn our heads from a horrible car wreck I went back for a closer inspection.

“Man! That is some nasty, gross… Ah man, ooh look at that…” I trail off as I am finally able to pull away.

I look over at Doc and he has this big grin on his face and he says, “Looks like bread and butter to me.”

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Gorilla Bananas, The Japing Ape, tells a story from back in the day when he worked at the circus.

One of the drawbacks of living in a trailer is the lack of a suitable window from which to empty a bucket of water on anyone who bangs on your door late at night. I was often disturbed in this way during my circus career, and on one memorable occasion it was the ringmaster’s moustachioed face that greeted me when I opened the door.

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Its the personality that counts after all. I am sure she has a great personality.

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Mayor Carmen Kontur-Gronquist gets grief for her myspace photos. Hot body but her face…

more here.

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The Look and Feel CANADIAN Instantly Breath Spray Spray

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Of course I am a day or so behind, as usual, but I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to re-post a popular article from the past. I was reminded of it by a piece over at Dr. Helen’s about what to do with spare change and the different aspects of spending same.

My take:

The funny thing about loose change, put it in a jar at the end of every day and before you know it, in about 10 years or so, you’ll be surprised to find you have accumulated several thousand dollars. If one already does this, they already know that the overall process has to be managed two to three times a year. Here are some tips from an old hand. This only applies if you have enough sense to pick up your change from off the floor.

1. Try to kick the pennies out as much as you can during the day, they are labor intensive to process and storage cost to value ratio is very high. Pennies are break even at best, and likely create a loss.
2. Spend the pennies when you can. Avoid kicking in the 2 or 3 pennies to the penny cup on small purchases. That is 3% of your dollar on a 97 cent fountain drink. When excessive pennies accumulate during the day, upgrade your value by exchanging for nickels and dimes. Put any leftovers in the penny cup by the cashier at the end of the day, up to four. (Your nuts if you dont think these clerks are rolling up a pack or two of cigarettes everyday. )
3. Keep any wheat back pennies, they may be valuable.
4. Nickels are damn close to pennies. However, never pass up a nickel. Although bulky to store, you know the saying about being penny wise.
5. Don’t take any wooden nickels.
6. Dimes are cool. Nice to spend by the roll and they dont bulk down the pocket. Each one, although smaller than the lowly penny, holds ten times the value. Storage space required per unit value is minimum.
7. Quarters. The mother load. Bulky and use lots of storage, but they are valuable. Hoard as many as you can.
8. Keep all bi-centenial quarters seperate; treat as collectible. (If damaged or really worn, roll it.)
9. Fifty cent pieces and dollar pieces keep seperate. Use the dollar pieces on the toll way if you dont have enough sense to use a toll pass. I hardly ever see fifty cent pieces so they must be rare, treat them as collectibles until further notice.
10. Buy a good sorter. The cheap ones get jammed a lot and are not good for production work. If you have enough discipline to drop your change in the sorter every day, a cheap sorter might suffice. If you can swing it, get a sorter that you can insert the rolls in before the cylinder fills. Saves an irritating step in the process.

Thats about it. Need to go wash the truck? Easy. Just grab a roll of quarters. Kids always raise hell at the local Mexican food restaurant for the gumball machines? No problem. Have a roll of quarters ready and smoke that last butt in peace.

This system works for paper money too. And cars.

So the next time someone says, “Hey Buddy, can you spare some change?” Tell them no.

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This is just damn clever.

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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.”

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”

She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
“I mean, what in the world is this?”

(you’re gonna love this)

The bank manager looks back at her and says…

“It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack.
Give the frog a loan, His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

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…makes Jack get the fuck out of my way when he sees me coming. Heh.

I tell you what, I haven’t been doing anything but working, getting ready for work, commuting to work, and winding down from work. That doesn’t leave a lot of time for thinking about anything else. Thanksgiving was a nice break but it didn’t seem like it lasted very long.

For the past two weeks I’ve been knocking out some backlog project work for a pretty good fellow over in Texas City. It’s an on-site gig so the drive is pretty tough. The commute is one hour each way and though the cummulative miles are hard on an aging body, the worse thing about the commute is that it is unpaid. Ten hours per week that are non-productive and non-recuperable. Totally wasted.

If you make your living billing by the hour like me, that’s not a good feeling. If you need extra time to pursue other activities (like your next paying job), that’s not a good feeling. If you need to spend a little more time with your kids so they don’t turn out to be fucked-up units, that’s not a good feeling. If you would like to just read more books or lay on your ass, that’s not a good feeling.

I know, I know… my expenses are supposed to be figured into my rate. I know all that stuff. I’m just saying. Sitting on your ass doing nothing for ten hours a week hoping the cops don’t pull you over and rob you is not a good feeling. Especially when most of the time it is not even necessary.

You know what else? My radio fried about four weeks ago. I’ve been driving back and forth to Texas City for almost three weeks in silence. I thought it would be good meditation time. Pfft. Too much thinking about stuff just pisses a person off because eventually it all boils down to the same conclusion: There ain’t fuck all you can do about any of it.

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In the recent post Beware of Crocks… I ended the bit with “If only we could talk to the crocodiles.”

I had started a new paragraph with that line and somehow got distracted and never finished it. I didn’t notice until after JD left a comment. I left it like it was because I thought it was funny. I wish I would have put “If only we could talk to the crocodiles…” with an elipses instead of a period. Maybe someone would have finished it for me. Sounds like a contest…

But seriously. Think about it. If we could talk to the crocodiles, and that girl could have talked to that crocodile that was going to eat her, would this tragedy have happened? Would that crocodile have mauled and killed that girl if she could have said, “Oh, Mr Crocodile, don’t eat me. I’m too young, and sweet, and delicious to eat!”

And Mr Crocodile says to her in his most sympathetic voice, “I’m sorry, honey, but I am old and starving and can’t hunt so I need to eat you to survive.”

Then the girl could say, “Oh hell, why didn’t you just say so. I got a bunch of spoiled chickens back at the cabin. I was going to have to throw them out anyway, I’ll just go get them for you straightaway. These assholes up here on the bank are my friends. Wanna beer while I get back?”

Mr. Crocodile smiles his big ole crocodile smile, “Ahhh, could you? That’d be great.”

“No problem, Mr. Crock. Then, tomorrow I’ll take you down to the ranger’s station and get you signed up on Medicaid Part B. After that we can see about getting those teeth fixed.”

And what about these damn fire ants? If only we could talk to the ants…

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Tired of wanking for free? It does not have to be that way. Supplement your regular income today. I’m not jerking you around, you could earn up to several hundred dollars a week!

I think I could squeeze out a couple hundred dollars a day. Maybe three hundred on a good day. I wonder if there is a work from home policy? That would really be a stand up deal. Hard to beat, really.

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If you have already laughed too much today, don’t fuck with this.

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This is from a few weeks ago, coming home from the Wal Mart. I couldn’t resist…

(x-posted @ Gulf Coast, Texas)

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The crap you can find on the internet: 10 Movie and TV Duos That Were Probably Gay

Some of these I suspected, but Vincent and Jules! Say it ain’t so!

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At a outdoor Bar-B-Q the other night where adult beverages were being consumed, we were at one point discussing animal breeding. The topic of proper techniques regarding the breeding of siblings and inter-generational offspring came up when the host’s two miniature weenie dogs that came from the same liter got a little feisty on the backyard deck.

As anyone familiar with such a gathering might already suspect, there were widely varying opinion amongst the lay people present. My position being that I am not going to sit out here and argue with you bunch of idiots when every proven technique as well as those that are strictly avoided are probably all very well documented and easily accessible on the internet, which everyone except me could probably access immediately on their ever-present cell phones. (Yes, I am proud to say that I do not own a cell phone!)

Anyway, it was a stupid conversation that should have never taken place. However, it did make me curious about breeding having my dog bred. As I mentioned once before we got an AKC German Shepherd puppy this past Christmas and I would like to breed have her bred at least once. There is still about five months until she is a year old so I have plenty of time to get it all figured out but I still did a little poking around out of surf boredom.

Yes, as I suspected there is a plethora of information out there. Maybe too much information. All I got to say is that no matter how scientifically you want to couch a subject, when it gets right down to it, you are still jaking off a dog.

Now we know why dogs are man’s best friend.

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I LOVE THIS KIND OF STUFF: Red paper clip man a step closer to goal of ttrading up from a red paper clip to a house.

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You got to watch this short video (Linked Fixed!!). I watched it four times. It looks like the chick damn near had the back of her scalped scalped.

Overall, I’d call it damn impressive.

(H/T: Curmudgeonly)

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From a site called Damn Interesting, Lake Peigneur: The Swirling Vortex of Doom

Despite the enormous destruction of property, no human life was lost in this disaster, nor were there any serious injuries. Within two days, what had previously been an eleven-foot-deep freshwater body was replaced with a 1,300-foot-deep saltwater lake. The lake’s biology was changed drastically, and it became home to many species of plants and fish which had not been there previously.

I don’t know if this is a true story or not, but it sure is damn interesting.

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This is some funny stuff. A clip of real-life Simpson’s opening. Ha Ha HA!

I found it over at YouTube. Sites like this are the doom of television as we know it. Like I said in the previous post about the hilarious Outrageous and Contagious Viral Videos show I saw on Bravo, TV will soon be about brining viewers the best of the Web, which I think will be hugely successful if they can only figure out a better way to deliver advertising. Commercial interruptions suck.

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There are only 10 types of people in the world;
those who understand binary and those who don’t.

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From the mailbag, a comparative analysis:

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned landry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wear! ing long dressing gown

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower and stand on bathmat.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

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A tongue-twister accident:

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.

�
He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, “Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?”

�
The other guy says, “Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this clerk with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, I’d like� two tickets to Pittsburgh,’ I accidentally said, ‘I’d like two pickets to Tittsburgh.’ So she socked me a good one.”

�
The first guy replied, “Wow!� This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, ‘Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.’ But I accidentally said, “Thanks for ruining my life you evil, self-centered, big-assed, bitch.”

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